Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
