so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
