sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
