My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
