I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
