I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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