wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I will be naked everywhere
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
