you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
