He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
