she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
