I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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