Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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