I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Ketchup is God's man juice
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
