I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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