I haven't been this sober since birth.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
