TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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