there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
