ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
