im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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