hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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