mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
The air taste purple.
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