I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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