I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
