i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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