That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
