Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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