i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
