I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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