He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
