nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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