last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We don't watch enough power rangers
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She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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