Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
