I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
