She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
