Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
