I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
