all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
