she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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