I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
