the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
