she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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