I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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