just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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