My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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