Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
