I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
