Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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