My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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