did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
