this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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