There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
