how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
